At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
“What about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you.”
Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Spike, he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
When the repair man arrives at Mrs Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly f***ing bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
4. I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
6. I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.
7. I got a jumper for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and that idiot’s.
11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn..that was fun!”
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don’t argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
26. My wife says I never listen to her, at least I think that’s what she said.
27. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
28. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOUR!
29. Wouldn’t you know it…Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
#1 — A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ….. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…..A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Gotta Read this its good….
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500″.
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never
hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351:
“Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the
Little Fokker in sight.”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your
last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport.”
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained
the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
“Because you lost the war.”
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
Real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone,asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”